My partner is very jealous... What can I do?

Jealousy is a feeling of suspicion, distrust and fear that occurs in relation to another person. When these feelings occur within a relationship, they are called jealousy within a couple, and are the most common. Jealousy is often accompanied by feelings of insecurity, anxiety, inferiority, fear, low self-esteem, dependency, etc.

There is a false belief that jealousy is a sign of love, but nothing could be further from the truth. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, but with possessiveness and all the feelings mentioned above.

Being jealous is quite common, but when we cannot control it and it interferes with our daily life, causing too much suffering, it is likely that jealousy has become pathological. The best way to learn how to overcome obsessive jealousy is to go to a professional psychologist who can study your case and give you an adapted treatment.

Jealousy is not exempt from a very powerful cultural component: we talk about monogamy and romantic love. From a young age we learn that we will end up finding someone who will love us and complete us and will always be by our side... and that only in this way can we be happy, giving meaning to our lives and avoiding ending up alone and sad, regretting the rest of our days. There is also a strong component of machismo and possession of women.

This is important to understand why they occur. At the base we have a system of expectations, values, customs, beliefs about what is right and what is not, which encourage the emergence of this feeling. The relationship is idealized, with eyes only for the partner and, above all, that it is “ours.” The trigger for jealousy is the perception of a threat (whether real or imaginary), a person outside the relationship who lurks and waits with the intention of taking away our most precious possession and destroying that ideal that some people cling to.

In general, jealousy is not felt with everyone, but only with those people who are perceived as potential rivals. The person's self-image plays a fundamental role: how they see themselves and their self-esteem. Jealousy becomes a defense mechanism to hide insecurity and fear.

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There are obviously countless ways to express a problematic predisposition to jealousy. However, some of the most common are the following (although they do not necessarily all occur at the same time).

• He shows discomfort when you go out with friends and stays at home.

• Constantly try to know who you are talking to or sending messages to.

• Sometimes he tries to make you feel bad about his jealousy.

• He very frequently tests the degree to which you are attracted to him.

• In the face of uncertainty and ambiguity, he interprets your actions as a sign that you like someone else.

First of all, it is important to be clear that your priority is your physical and mental well-being, so everything must start from this question: am I being abused? Remember that physical abuse does not only exist, and in fact psychological abuse is very common.

If you notice that you are suffering the consequences of a spiral of verbal violence or psychological manipulation and that you cannot escape it while you maintain a relationship with that person (since it is the other person who has the power in the situation and poses a threat), or if you simply notice that the other person's attacks seriously compromise your physical or mental integrity, break off the relationship as soon as possible and stop dealing with that person.

Talk to your family and loved ones or even call one of the emergency help lines.

Can jealousy and distrust be controlled? Can a jealous person change? Jealousy in couples has been associated with the culture of monogamy for more than 2,000 years. Thus, the fact that it arises is very common, but getting rid of it is not so easy. However, it is not impossible either. You can work on jealousy in couples by following some tips to end jealousy before it ends up deteriorating our relationship:

1. Analyze why he/she is jealous.

First step: don't change your behavior because he/she says he/she feels bad about this or that. Talking to someone at the gym, wearing a skirt to work or arriving home a little late because you've met up with a colleague for a beer after finishing at the office are normal situations and shouldn't make anyone paranoid. Your partner's jealousy isn't a reflection of who you are, but rather serves to find out what he/she is like, what makes him/her anxious, afraid or insecure. So stop monitoring your behavior and start investigating what's wrong with the jealous person.

2. Do not despise their fear, fear is free.

Fear is free and each person has their own fears that are activated when they want and deactivated when they can.

Maybe your partner was betrayed in previous relationships or their insecurities come from other sources such as low self-esteem or a serious problem of emotional dependence, try a friendly chat about what they feel on certain occasions and why they feel what they feel, you must get to the root of the problem and to do so you need to practice active listening: do not deny, minimize or "fix" their fears in the first ten minutes of conversation, fixing a problem of this caliber is not so easy it requires patience, time and a lot of love from both parties.

His jealousy is his feelings and you are there to help him understand and deal with them, listen, and if the story is too tangled or calm conversation is impossible, it is essential that you seek professional help.

3. Try not to get defensive.

Although it will be difficult at times when he starts saying “you do this or that…”, take a deep breath. If he is accusing you of things that don’t make sense, take a step back and instead of responding with all your fury (he will interpret it as being right) try to talk to him in a civilized way. Don’t disregard the pain he is going through, but don’t let yourself be overwhelmed. Conversations have rules and those rules don’t include shouting or disqualifications. Avoid the fight and start a conversation and if it is not possible at that moment, postpone it for another, but above all don’t give in: you have a problem and it must be addressed and the way to solve it is by talking about it and not giving in to emotional blackmail and 100% drama numbers.

4. Set healthy boundaries.

All couples should have a discussion about boundaries and red lines that no one should cross so that both partners feel safe in the relationship. And these agreements are not reached through dialogue. If it is normal for you to meet up with your coworkers every day or on Wednesdays with your ex, the one you get along so well with, and not for the other… you should reach an agreement.